When Football Mirrors Life

Janus Journal #4 – By Hugh Wilkins

Recently I read Nick Hornby’s 1992 memoir as an Arsenal supporter “Fever Pitch”. Hornby’s passion for Arsenal often bled into his own life, marking personal events and moments with Arsenal.

This is both the pride and peril of sports supporting. Sports find us. It can come to us in our darkest days, or our brightest moments, and they help us to develop an understanding of who we are.

What follows is my personal journey following West Ham through the 2024/2025 Premier League season: a season integral to my own development, mirroring my struggles in navigating immense personal change.

West Ham 24/25: A Season of Collapse and Personal Growth

The Collapse of Hope:

Before 2024, West Ham enjoyed what was probably their longest period of sustained success under David Moyes. The Hammers secured three consecutive years of European football, their highest ever Premier League finish in 2020/21 (at 6th), and secured the 2023 Europa Conference League title. Midway through the 2023/24 season, West Ham were 5th in the Premier League.

Then 2024 came around, and West Ham’s form plummeted, conceding 79 goals, getting eliminated from the Europa League, and manager David Moyes leaving the club. A busy summer period with incoming manager, Julen Lopetegui, looked to rectify this poor form, bringing in the Championship player of the season, Crysencio Summerville, Borussia Dortmund striker and German international Niclas Fullkrug and Argentinian 2022 World Cup winner, Guido Rodriguez.

That’s the thing with supporting, there is a mirrored reflection between a supporter and their club. Similarly, my 2024 looked optimistic. I was going into the third year of my Bachelor’s degree, moved into a share-house for the first time, and was excited at the prospect of positive adult development surrounded by my mates all going through a similar experience. Little did I know that 2024, like it was for my beloved Hammers, would end up as the toughest year I have ever endured. Everything changed, and I had to re-learn who I am all on my own.

West Ham’s second game was an away fixture at Crystal Palace, looking to bounce back after a disappointing home defeat 1-2 to Aston Villa. In Australia, this fixture was at 2am, which I stayed awake to watch. After a dour, first half performance- the substitution of newly acquired right-back Aaron Wan-Bissaka after half-time injected major vigour into the team. This spurred a sensational five minute burst. A driving run from Wan-Bissaka created a chaos ball in the box, which was punished by Tomas Soucek for 1-0 to West Ham in the 67′, and a Max Kilman surge from full-back to midfield, breaking a tackle and switching wide to the vivacious forward run of Jarrod Bowen in the 72′ brought about the winning goal. Full-time brought satisfaction and optimism about the season ahead. Our new signings were all involved in a terrific team win. Little did I know, the stability I had felt in my life was going to change, and that hopeful optimism was going to be replaced with a depressing realism.

The morning after our victory over Crystal Palace, I woke up to an ominous text from my long-time girlfriend: “we need to talk”. This brought about the immensely difficult conversation to part ways, although the decision was ultimately the right one for both parties. It was not working, and it was a healthy and amicable decision.

What followed was a turbulent season that reflected my own newfound struggles. The previous seasons concerns around conceding continued, getting dominated by the top teams while barely firing a shot. Erling Haaland of Man City got his second hattrick in consecutive games, facilitating a 1-3 loss. Chelsea handed us a 0-3 home defeat; complete with a Nicholas Jackson brace, although his Michael Jackson Thriller celebration was the most uproarious moment of that day. Tottenham taught us a lesson in a 4-1 loss. A dominant West Ham first half broke down in the second half, with Tottenham scoring three times in eight minutes. The night was summed up by Mohammed Kudus’ (now a Tottenham player) fiery fight with Spur’ Mickey Van de Ven, finding himself suspended for 5 matches for headbutting.

Sprinkled between these losses were 1-1 draws away to Brentford and Fulham. In the former, Brentford scored in the first minute through Bryan Mbeumo, and West Ham equalised after half time through Tomas Soucek. The latter was a game that was all but destined for a loss, down 1-0 deep into stoppage time, but a chaos ball snuck into the Fulham net by way of substitute Danny Ings, able to salvage a point with nigh on the last kick of the game.

I mention the early months of the season by way of its personal relevance. I found myself struggling to understand who I was and my personal direction. I’d have days were I felt crushed by a torrent that just had no mercy, and my directionlessness was mirrored by West Ham’s performances against City, Chelsea and Tottenham. But there would be other times where I was able to fight through some demons and find little wins, just as West Ham dug in against Brentford and Fulham, able to salvage themselves after going 1-0 down early in games.

Loss and Resilience:

December came around, and brought with it, an immense shift into the already shaken stability of the club. Michail Antonio, a nine-year long servant and West Ham’s all-time goal scorer, was involved in a catastrophic car accident that he was eternally lucky to have survived. All of a sudden, West Ham had to adapt to a team without Antonio. His absence really felt in the immediate game after the accident, a home fixture against the equally struggling Wolverhampton Wanderers. A scrappy game which we ultimately won 2-1 through Jarrod Bowen, but Bowen’s celebration where he lifted aloft Antonio’s number 9 shirt really accentuated his absence. The five months going into December was particularly tough. The inherent reflectivity of Christmas meant I looked back on the changes from the year previous, and I couldn’t help notice how much more unsettled I was. I really felt her absence, just as West Ham felt Antonio’s. I watched this game at my family home as I sought comfort in a lonely holiday period, and it felt that the win was dedicated to me personally. Jarrod Bowen may as well have been holding a shirt with my name aloft and saying “no matter how tough it gets, you will fight through this”. To be fair, this four game December period was West Ham’s best statistical output, having a four match unbeaten run: a 2-1 win v Wolves, 1-1 draws against Bournemouth away and Brighton at home, and a boxing day 0-1 victory against Southampton away.

January came around, and instantly denigrated that fairly dogged four game stretch through December. Instead, our last match of 2024 was a 0-5 home demolition at the hands of Liverpool which was only worsened by Liverpool’s Alexis McAllister’s unnecessary tackle on Jarrod Bowen, fracturing his foot and leaving the captain out for six weeks. During the December period I felt I had begun the process of genuine recovery. I had to fight to find pockets of positivity amongst constant gloom, as the Hammers did through their four-match unbeaten streak, but this demolition brought about a reality check that recovery certainly wasn’t going to be easy. I simply would need to be adaptable.

The Hammers first match of 2025 was not any easier. Manchester City, experiencing their worst run of form under Pep Guardiola, still embarrassed us in a 4-1 loss. This match was the final straw for Spanish Manager Julen Lopetegui, and all of a sudden, despite the early season optimism, the team had to endure more sudden change. No striker, no captain, and now, no manager. The day of this Man City loss, I had met up, for the first time since August, with my ex for a catch up coffee. A valuable experience that brought much needed closure, and readied me to move forward. I suppose the loss came at a time where I was ready to genuinely come to terms with the reclamation of my individuality. I had no striker, captain or manager to help guide me through it, but a team whose performances were starting to reflect my own journey for emotional recovery. We both had to start figuring out who we were.

A New Identity:

Following Lopetegui’s firing, West Ham appointed former Brighton and Chelsea boss Graham Potter as manager. A possession, tactical and long-term project style manager, he was appointed two days before a third round FA Cup tie away against Aston Villa. Potter came in to rectify our tendency to leak goals. Beforehand, a West Ham game was over as soon as a goal was scored against them. The team appeared directionless under Lopetegui, as it looked as if there was a limited game plan and identity. Potter had to work on the fly to rebuild the West Ham identity, and fittingly came about at the same time I had decided to actively work towards recovery and self-respect in the new year.

I woke up for this FA Cup fixture on family holiday in Warrnambool, watching from the beach at dawn, and I couldn’t have asked for a better start. Dominating from kick-off, maintaining possession and looking dangerous. Summerville was involved early, using his pace to beat his man on the wing and whip in balls centrally, which proved to be the assist to find Pacqueta who scored from the box in the 9′ minute. But, the frigid Birmingham night proved costly. With a goal advantage, striker Niclas Fullkrug chased a loose ball in space, which proved too straining, as he tore his hamstring clean off the bone. This was then followed by a hamstring tear to Summerville just before half-time, who had started the game so well and looked unbelievably threatening. Ultimately, we ran out of petrol in this game, and Villa were able to score two goals in quick succession, Amadou Onana equalised from a corner, taking the wind from our sails, and Morgan Rogers’ winner only minutes later proving too big a deficit. Although we lost, there was a tactical vision I hadn’t seen for while.

Potter’s managerial stint began with a statement. West Ham’s high average age (at 28) had been a common criticism, which made Potter’s debuting of young, academy left-back Ollie Scarles all the more impactful, and the kid’s resilient and reliable composure saw him duly rewarded as player of the match. What hurt most out of the game however, was Niclas Fullkrug’s injury.

We had gotten Fullkrug in our expensive summer spree. A traditional, hard-nosed striker who came across from Germany to England to prove himself. I was inspired by his clear drive, motivation for success and inherent leadership qualities. You could tell he was ready to be that starting striker following Antonio’s absence, but it felt like Fullkrug’s first year in London was a clear reflection of my own 2024/25 season. We both had an immense drive to flourish and develop self-pride in the midst of immense personal change. Fullkrug moved away from his home country for a new opportunity, just as I had experienced an immense change in rediscovering my own identity post breakup. But, despite our drive, we were both trapped in our respective bodies and enslaved to circumstance. West Ham had lost its captain and another commanding leader at a time where I felt I needed guidance, although I knew I would need to manage it myself.

Potter had a free hit with the last six months of the season. Relegation, whilst a (very slim) logistical possibility, given how diabolical Southampton, Leicester and Ipswich were meant that West Ham would have had to completely choke every game they played to go lower than 16th. Moreover, the season went undetected in the midst of Manchester United and Tottenham’s horrific league campaigns. Potter had to manage the residual squad inherited from Lopetegui’s spending, and had to build a connection with the team that could set him up for a full pre-season. Although statistically, his output was worse than Lopetegui’s, there was a clear shift in mentality, and the Hammers were able to stay in games longer. Where Lopetegui’s approach was a blitzkrieg style that was defensively neglectful, Potter’s methodical approach required players to become far more autonomous in their decision making.

Gradually, an identity appeared. We put ourselves in many winnable positions in games during 2025, but lacked that killer instinct. However, our best win of the season did come in this time. An away fixture at the Emirates against an Arsenal looking to put some table pressure back on the leaders Liverpool. Enter, West Ham. Defending deep, a counter-punch from the right hand side through right-back Aaron Wan-Bissaka was squared to Jarrod Bowen, running hard to beat former West Ham Captain Declan Rice, to dive for the winner header just before half-time.

This was an absolutely terrific win. Going in as underdogs, and garbed in an all black stealth kit, West Ham silently entered the Emirates, and assassinated Arsenal’s title hopes for the second year in a row.

A Gradual Rebirth:

There was a clear culture shift from this win. Rather than roll over and die, West Ham dug in. Although everyone wrote them off, they proved everyone wrong. This game was in late February, and routine was reasserting itself. I became nervous about starting my Masters degree, but this game proved I should avoid concerning myself with what others think. Instead, the strongest thing I could do was dig in, and prove to myself that I can do whatever I set my mind to.

Although there were flashes, which peaked with the Arsenal game, West Ham continued to drop points in stoppage time. Away at Everton against former West Ham manager David Moyes, Tomas Soucek’s second half goal was countered by Jake O’Brien’s 91′ minute equaliser. Worse still, was a 1-1 home draw to the bottom dwelling Southampton. West Ham took a commanding position, but wilted at the end of the game, which allowed Ugochukwu to equalise for Southampton in the 91′ minute. Although this result shambolically summarised the season, it was Niclas Fullkrug’s scathing post-match comments criticising the mentality of certain players (his direct words were “we were shit”), that will immortalise this game. I hated the result, but I loved Fullkrug’s comments. Both the team, and myself, sorely needed that style of leadership after feeling increasingly isolated. I felt that I finally had an inspirational leader that knew the resilience that laid dormant in me, and would not tolerate me taking the easy way out in recovery. Fullkrug spurred me to reclaim that resilience with 100% commitment and channel it in my new life, no matter how tough the circumstance. All of a sudden, I realised couldn’t take any half-measures in rediscovering myself.

It was clear how tired the players were by seasons end. Despite their valiance, the turmoil that both the club, and myself, endured during this season meant we all remained vulnerable. Despite a combative effort at Anfield against Liverpool, we conceded the winning goal minutes after getting an equaliser in a 2-1 loss. Away at Brighton, despite being up 1-2 with seven minutes to go, an equaliser and stoppage time screamer from Carlos Baleba brought a 3-2 loss. Both the club and myself were deep in the rebuild of a fragile mentality, and simply needed time to recover from an physically and mentally taxing season, which came after a much needed 0-3 away win over Ipswich in the final game of the season.

If there is one thing that West Ham had taught me in the 2024/2025 season, it was survival. Despite the exhaustive blows, both West Ham and myself survived. I learnt that survival is not flashy, sexy or easy, instead, it is simply about putting one foot in front of the other, and refusing to go down, no matter how tough the fight.